Statisficing in Relationships

The Bad Habit of Satifsficing in Relationships

In everyday decision-making, we all tend to follow a “satisficing threshold”. I’m sure your first question is what the hell is “satisficing”? Satisficing is just a mash-up of “satisfying” and “sufficing”. Your second question may be, “What is this threshold?” The concepts was introduced to me a few years ago in a book titled “Algorithms to Live By” and follows the idea that we – usually subconsciously – set a threshold for what we consider to be “good enough” and will keep on with whatever path we’re on until that changes. Once we cross that threshold, we decide to change course. 

To give some real-world examples let’s consider two examples, fixing your washing machine and parking. With the washing machine, it may just be a low squeak coming from the agitator, but maybe that squeak gets progressively louder or develops into a knocking; how inconvenient does it have to be before you fix it? I can’t quantify it, but when I can’t ignore it or it starts disrupting my life – otherwise I’ll close my laundry room door. How about parking? How long are you gonna circle that damn lot being frustrated at all the double parkers until you decide to just walk? We could all use it, and it’s like what – a 40-second walk? Enough of these examples, you get the gist.

As I was reading about this – and other algorithms – all I thought about was how they applied to relationships, so I decided to learn more about them, and the “sacrificing algorithm” is catching it first. 

First up, picking a partner:

The first time I downloaded a dating app I was so excited! It was like shopping for my perfect partner and there were going to be so many opportunities for interpersonal connections. I wanted her 5’7″ or less, into hiking and exercise, loved traveling, had the same view of religion, college educated, within 20 miles, etc. I was about to have an amazing woman on my hands. But then I hit “apply”… “no one near you”. Ok ok, maybe I’m asking for a bit much. I suppose I can flex on the college thing, after all, school doesn’t mean we’re intellectually compatible. Still nothing huh? Perhaps I’m being rigid, maybe she doesn’t loooove hiking and exercise, but she does them. Let’s remove that filter and… shit. You know what? Remove all the filters and increase the distance to within 100 miles. Now we’re talking, options:) That’s roughly what I have done at some points, and it usually isn’t what I want, but it provides me options. In this case, I started with my perfect partner and then slowly chose ways to settle until I found someone; mind you I was looking for a specific type, but also for human connection. I don’t know where that threshold is, but it exists. I can’t say that being aware that this is a thing, or having a name for it will make everything better; but, when I know I do something, I’m more likely to try and optimize my behavior.

Second though, a shit partner:

I think it would be safe to say we’ve all been in a relationship longer than we should have. That partner that doesn’t clean up after themselves, is terrible with money, gaslights you, or maybe the cheat. Most people have someone close enough to them that they vent to about the relationship, and this person has probably told you “Then leave? They’re clearly not good enough for you. You deserve more”. I’m gonna make a wild assumption here and say that YOU DO! The second wild assumption, you know that… This is where satisficing comes in. “Oh if they cheat one more time it’s a wrap” “They were never taught financial literacy” or whatever other thing you tell yourself. Now I’m judging, but not from a high horse. I’m coming from a place of shared shame, we all do it.

Funny enough there’s a conceptual formula for this. Decision = Stop when (V(x) ≥ T). V is equal to the value. X is the current option. T is the satisficing threshold. Now it’s conceptual but let’s make it usable.

I’m in a relationship with my partner and they have a problem remaining faithful. The first thing is to define my threshold, that’s what I need to stay in a relationship. I’m going to go with one marker to keep it easy, let’s say trust. I understand people aren’t perfect so I’ll give this an 8/10. So T=8. For V(x) I’m looking at where things are. They’re a liar and a fuckin snake, but they’re also pretty reliable outside of the cheating thing. So maybe V(x)=4. 

V(x)≥T or Current situation ≥ good enough threshold. In this case Current trust/4 < Needed Trust/8.

This is a simple formula and you can complicate it by adding other criteria, but the point is to give you a way to work it out visually. Or you may think it’s the most absurd thing ever that I bothered to write that as a formula. Truth is, whether you think being aware is enough or you are thrilled you have a formula now isn’t what I need you to take from this. The lesson is that we all seek satisficion, but sometimes we deserve optimization. Now go optimize the shit out of your relationship.